Wandering

**someday I'll leave . Leave and never return to this shelter again. I'll leave for the true journey of my life, far far away from this chaos where no one but only me will find myself, no other conversation but mine with myself,no other interaction but mine with myself...

I am fed up of this comfort and luxury and these sparkles of world ✨.

आकाशी झेप घे रे पाखरा, सोडी सोन्याचा पिंजरा -flight to the sky oh ! bird , leave your golden cage

तुज भवती वैभव माया ,फळ रसाळ मिळते खाया; सुखलोलुप झाली काया हा कुठवर वेड्या घेसी आसरा- With all the wealth and luxury around you and with meal of sweet juicy fruits your body is lost in the same joy Oh! Bird how long are you going to take this shelter like a fool

I feel a need to have domekinnd of possession upon which I can rely wholly as I find it difficult to continue without any possession, however I have rejected to accept the offer of possessions like fame ,wealth, etc. I still want and desire to have a possession with which I can attach myself and will have to not regret again. Finding a person to get attached is burdensome and it is so uncertain and flickering, the fear to loose the person, behaving as per that person etc etc. 

I am feeling so uncomfortable and I am feeling strongly as if I am missing myself so hard. Yes , it's true I am missing myself. Home is not where I live but home for me is the place where I am with my self my inner self , unaltered, not flown by the sparkles of the world , where my feelings will not fear to be shown , where I will have no burden to think of what people think of me or how wrong they behave, where all these won't matter much to me whether someone praises me or dishonours me, where I will not flicker or get affected by praises or taunts . Place Where I will no longer have hatred or enmity towards anyone but see everyone with love and behave good. Where I will be the one I use to praise in my childhood, a person selflessly ready to help others without expecting any return , a kind friend to every being. A shelter to all distressed souls , as much as I can help . 

I have experienced this on the way to the divine. I have experienced that all the good qualities just lie recent in the path to Divine worship which means that the Divine is something even more than these. I always find Shree Ram to be at the source of all these which means he is more than these. He is much kind than what we see here , much more loving than the definition of love as we understand here , he is much more loving than that. 

As per Charles Darwin,nature follows a rule - _'the fittest survive'_ which means, only those survive who are strong and fit to survive in nature,only those who struggle. I would say maybe because his experience towards the divine were not much so he forgot to mention another rule of the nature - _'one who surrenders unto the divine too survives_. This is a matter of experiencing . Many of us find it difficult to accept this rule . When no efforts work and we surrender to the divine as we are, then miracles happen ,then help is given unto us. Then we learn something new and beautiful - to surrender and leave it upto the divine which is not in our control , and slowly we realise that there are so many things we can't control and we start to leave their functioning upto the divine and get free and burden less.

I am yet to learn so many things. 

I am already fed up of this comfort zone.... I no more wish to have this deep slumber of illusion, now is the time to wake up , now is the time to get ready for a long journey, Now is the time.

These sparkles could keep me back for long but no more now. I have been fighting with my instincts for long but failed each time . Over the time I realise that just as darkness automatically vanishes with the rise of sun similarly all my ignorance will vanish with the rise of true knowledge. All those motivational lectures could keep me high only till I was a child but once I set out of school , I start to grow, I start to learn so many things and one such thing I learnt is external motivation could no more keep me high because now I have my own thinking , my own thoughts, my own decisions. I also realised that these decisions could not be altered by the fear of elders or teachers. The scoldings of parents could no more trigger urge in me to study nor of the teachers. I realise that I will no more work on external triggers . I needed something of my own , which emerged from within my heart which will effortlessly make me work unlike fear driven -Fear of failure in academics or fear of teacher's scoldings or parents. All has ended now, all has changed now as I have grown up. I realised that it is not in my control because I have tried to work under those triggers forcefully thinking, I am going to the wrong side but I realised that even if I want I can't keep myself bonded forever. My wings were ready for flights and my thoughts too . All these years I had supressed all my thoughts for several reasons like

1) to focus on study to excel in academics

2) fear of scoldings by teachers of not to waste my time doing these stuff and focus only on academics

3) fear of parents scolding

4) I think education system also is a culprit here as it makes one believe that only excelling in academics is true, rewarding and respectful all else is waste of time . The teachers praising and flaunting about the the top rankers and giving less preferences to others is also responsible for a mindset which aims only to excel in academics. Here in this system , the inner talents won't matter much . If a student is interested in literature and good at it they'll say no but you have to pass in maths also or else you are a dumb. For a student of tender age what can be a dark brainwashing and hypnotism than this. A young child learns what he is told and what he observes ; if he had observed always that the top rankers are valued more than others and specific talent has no much space here then that child and of course the poor uneducated parents will forcefully tremble the inner talents of the child and make him a rote learner. 

I have read the first few pages of the curriculum book on Indian education . Through out those pages I read about the ideas of education by various great personalities like Mahatma Gandhi, swami vivekanand etc. I found out one common phrase in goals of most of the personalities that is - to remove traditional rote learning and promote creative learning. This itself was an indication that never were it followed and that is why it was mentioned in every new education policy goals.

It is of course a colonial mindset which caused us to stick to the same education system.